Last week I had an emotional visit to the clinic. Partly because I was a walking zombie from being awakened often throughout several nights with Faith's near fever miss and cold and Kady's bad dreams, but party because for some reason I decided to ask the doc the question that people have been asking me. The one I've been asking myself for awhile. Why? Why are we still poisoning Faith. The surgery showed that we had completely killed the tumor and all of the scans came back clean. Every time we treat her with chemo her body gets weaker and weaker and it becomes harder for her to fight off infection. So, the inconvenience of all of these treatments was not my concern. It's that I'm afraid. Terrified, really, that we are going to kill her. I keep replaying the conversation I had with a rather chatty doc in her hospital room during one of our fever admissions and he made it clear that the cancer isn't what kills these kids, it's the resulting infections that take over their weakened bodies. So, I asked it. I fully expected her to authoritatively dismiss my question as silly and encourage me to press on. BUT, what I got was a pause followed by "that's a hard question to answer" that ended in "I don't think one more or less chemo round makes a difference but, your so close to the end, you might as well see it through". That was a bit of a blow to my confidence as well as my composure. The tears started to well up. I tried to build my ice cream Sundae, only to find that it doesn't work any more. Damn it! The flood gates opened when I heard the crushing words out of her mouth..."there are only studies for 14 rounds which indicates a 75% non-recurrence rate. No studies have been done for 12 chemo rounds". What?!? 75% non-recurrence rate. That means 25% recurrence rate. If I had a 25% chance of winning the lottery you better step aside so I can run out to the nearest convenience store! How is it that I had never heard these stats before?!? So, needless to say, the rest of our time at the clinic was a bit of a downer. I was sulking in my emotions. Anger, sadness, but really under it all was fear. I'm scared and I don't like that feeling.
Faith asked for ice cream when we left. The new, more relaxed 40 year old in me agreed. We stopped at Thrifty for some cheap, artificially flavored scoops of deliciousness. While I stood there waiting for Faith to make up her mind, I glanced up and saw the "add-ins menu" for the smoothies you can get there. At the top of list was bee pollen. I've always loved bees. Crazy, I know, but I admire their community organization, their hard work, the beauty of their little bodies and the amazing perfection of their complex honey combs. I also really like honey, but back to the point. The description of the bee pollen included the statement "anti-cancer qualities". While I've never been a big believer in supplements, this, for obvious reasons, caught my attention. Don't get me wrong, we still got the ice cream minus the bee pollen, but it made me think. Maybe, this scared, pissed-off funk I'd been in could be lifted by doing something. That's kinda how we roll anyway. We get involved, we stay active....well not in politics, but in our community at least. So, I was driving down the rode, enjoying my mint chocolate chip ice cream cone thinking that I needed to learn more about ways to boost Faith's immune system. My aunt had sent me an article about the fact that we all have cancer in our bodies and that if our immune systems are suppressed at the same time the cancer cells decide to have a party in our bodies...voila, our lives are changed forever. I know that we are already a fairly healthy and health-conscious family. The kids eat well-balanced meals on most occasions, but we could do more. So, doing more, or at least the idea of doing more (quite honestly, I tend to get excited about things and then loose momentum) will give my brain a shove in a positive direction.
Faith asked for ice cream when we left. The new, more relaxed 40 year old in me agreed. We stopped at Thrifty for some cheap, artificially flavored scoops of deliciousness. While I stood there waiting for Faith to make up her mind, I glanced up and saw the "add-ins menu" for the smoothies you can get there. At the top of list was bee pollen. I've always loved bees. Crazy, I know, but I admire their community organization, their hard work, the beauty of their little bodies and the amazing perfection of their complex honey combs. I also really like honey, but back to the point. The description of the bee pollen included the statement "anti-cancer qualities". While I've never been a big believer in supplements, this, for obvious reasons, caught my attention. Don't get me wrong, we still got the ice cream minus the bee pollen, but it made me think. Maybe, this scared, pissed-off funk I'd been in could be lifted by doing something. That's kinda how we roll anyway. We get involved, we stay active....well not in politics, but in our community at least. So, I was driving down the rode, enjoying my mint chocolate chip ice cream cone thinking that I needed to learn more about ways to boost Faith's immune system. My aunt had sent me an article about the fact that we all have cancer in our bodies and that if our immune systems are suppressed at the same time the cancer cells decide to have a party in our bodies...voila, our lives are changed forever. I know that we are already a fairly healthy and health-conscious family. The kids eat well-balanced meals on most occasions, but we could do more. So, doing more, or at least the idea of doing more (quite honestly, I tend to get excited about things and then loose momentum) will give my brain a shove in a positive direction.
We have also decided to stay busy by helping the organizations that have helped us. This Saturday our family and over 40 of our friends, neighbors, and coworkers will join us in the Grand Canyon University 5K Run to Fight Children's Cancer (we use the term run loosely!). I am learning to be discerning when it comes to who we support and where we funnel our donation efforts. While I love PCH, their fundraising efforts are very general and can be used to buy supplies all over the hospital. I want to help the clinic and the groups of people who help the clinic. This 5K is raising money for the Children's Cancer Network. They are the group of people who hosted the Valentine's party that Faith enjoyed a few weeks ago. They supplied us with a care package at the beginning of treatment which included a binder for all of our notes, a pill cutter, gas cards, and other items we would have never thought we would need. Over Christmas, I met a family in the clinic who was grateful for the Christmas tree and gifts the CCN supplied them with while they stayed the whole month in the Ronald McDonald house. they get wigs for kids who prefer to wear those and they host All About Girls parties to help tweens and teen girls feel pretty even though they don't think they look it. They make life better for families whose lives have been turned upside-down. They have a great website ChildrensCancerNetwork.org. The team we have formed for this race is called FixFaithsFemur...catchy, huh?!? You can go to www.runtofightcancer.com. if you would like to contribute. Choose the donate tab and then click on the grey box that says TEAM. If you would like to join us, you can register the morning of at Grand Canyon University and message me so that you can join our group. I would like to send a big Thank You out to Scott who helped with the design and ordering of our team shirts and to Kelly who did all of the work setting up our team and managing it. I could not have gotten this all done without them.
Additionally, I have been asked to help the Children's Fight for Life organization. They are the group that hosted the Casino Night Gala that Chandler, Faith, Madi and I attended last year. They specifically raise money for the Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders at PCH. The proceeds are used for technology, research, clinical program development, and social and psychological services. I will play a role in gathering sponsors and auction item donations. The event is planned for Saturday November 1st. This is the 9th year that they have put on such an event and I am excited to be a part of it!
I've been told that I am taking on too much between working, Faith's various appointments and special needs, and all of these social/philanthropic outlets, but I enjoy it. It's good to stay busy because then I feel like I am doing something about a situation that is really out of my control. While Faith and I were running errands on this particularly busy day, the song Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins came on the radio. I smiled at Faith and said I like this song and she agreed. We turned it way up and sang along boldly, "if you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows your there. If you're going through hell keep on moving. Face that fire walk right through it!" So, that's what we are doing. I always say that it could be worse, that there is always someone who is worse off than us and it's true. I was surprised when I was talking to the mom of a leukemia kid and she seemed to feel badly for us having to do chemo every 2 weeks for 9 months when she has years of treatment. Her kid has hair right now, mine doesn't . She felt badly for us having to tax Faith's body so harshly. I feel badly for her that the light at the end of her tunnel is so far away. We're both going through hell, our own individual hell's, but we'll just keep on going before the devil ever knows we're here!
Additionally, I have been asked to help the Children's Fight for Life organization. They are the group that hosted the Casino Night Gala that Chandler, Faith, Madi and I attended last year. They specifically raise money for the Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders at PCH. The proceeds are used for technology, research, clinical program development, and social and psychological services. I will play a role in gathering sponsors and auction item donations. The event is planned for Saturday November 1st. This is the 9th year that they have put on such an event and I am excited to be a part of it!
I've been told that I am taking on too much between working, Faith's various appointments and special needs, and all of these social/philanthropic outlets, but I enjoy it. It's good to stay busy because then I feel like I am doing something about a situation that is really out of my control. While Faith and I were running errands on this particularly busy day, the song Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins came on the radio. I smiled at Faith and said I like this song and she agreed. We turned it way up and sang along boldly, "if you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it. You might get out before the devil even knows your there. If you're going through hell keep on moving. Face that fire walk right through it!" So, that's what we are doing. I always say that it could be worse, that there is always someone who is worse off than us and it's true. I was surprised when I was talking to the mom of a leukemia kid and she seemed to feel badly for us having to do chemo every 2 weeks for 9 months when she has years of treatment. Her kid has hair right now, mine doesn't . She felt badly for us having to tax Faith's body so harshly. I feel badly for her that the light at the end of her tunnel is so far away. We're both going through hell, our own individual hell's, but we'll just keep on going before the devil ever knows we're here!